你的话，是真是假，我再也不知道。很难受，真的很难受。你到底几时才会领悟到，我们之间的问题你也要付出责任。说要维持，但一点行动都没有。反而，你全部的一切，都是从其他人口中，或自己的猜测得知的。我还要装着一副不知情得样子，跟你谈话。

我只想说，我不是双面人，只是有些东西可能说不出口。但朋友之间难免会有误会，有时还是要发泄一下。

当我正在赶essay时，上fb看到了一些不知道是不是关于我的东西。不知道是不是自己想太多，还是真的有关联。但就是有着不详的预感。是不是要失去两位要好的朋友？我知道我真的应该继续做我的essay， 但是有些事情不讲，心里就有不舒服，就不能专心。

当一个平常笑哈哈的人突然在你面前哭，你会怎么样？常常把不开心的事收起来，不跟别人说，觉得有误会但不讲，原来这在友谊里是完全不健康的。迟早这一份友谊会消失，变成回忆。就是因为这个原因，我才觉得陈奕迅的最佳损友超真实。每一份交情都是脆弱的，只要有误会就很可能断掉。唯有互相坦白，才可以把这条线粘回去。

是时候坦白了吗？其实我也很坦白的把我所感觉的说出来。 是对方没变，还是我一直想它不可能变。还是他对我所讲的受了伤害？

不要写了。真的要做我的essay了。期待第一次SSM的prayer conference!!!940pm!!!

有个冲动想给自己一个二十岁的生日礼物，就是去中国短宣。但是真的没有那个勇气去踏出这一步。还是继续祷告吧！

其实自己一个人真的没有什么不好。至少能反省一下生命中的点点滴滴。

现在已经差不多两点了。我室友和project mates吃supper. 你们一定会问为什么我没有去。我也不知道。健康比较重要？睡眠？到底人生什么才是重要的。那朋友重不重要？有些时候我真的不知道。如果健康和朋友，你们会选哪一个？

我心中很多的怀疑。不知道她们三个出去会讲我坏话吗？疑心很重。进了大学，我觉得我整个人变了。很不认识这个自己。改变是一件好事吗？我真的不知道。很不喜欢疑心重的自己。可能是经过JC时代，对人的信心真的毁了。可能以后，就只有跟教会的人能坦白。在教会才是真正的自己。

好久没有打中文。我可能以后都在这里写中文。无论外界怎么的排次中文和中国人，我会一直坚持下去。因为我深深知道我这坚持是对的，淘神喜悦的。终有一天，我会回到中国，传讲福音。

几天前，我不知为什么突然间觉得我要坚持读我的科系。我知道是神的安排。但就几天前，我真的很肯定，这是我该读的。虽然还看不到有什么前途，但我真的会坚持下去，神的力量何等广大，'nothing is impossible with God.'

这是一个很容易被遗忘的地方，但当心情不好，往往就会想到这里。本来还蛮像tweet我所有的心声，但因为在facebook可以看得到还是决定不要。

在宿舍已经有4个星期了。说习惯也不是，不习惯也不是。自己也不知为什么，越来越难适应。或是compromise对方太多了吧。很想睡得舒服。但可能比较难在我们俩之间找到一个平衡。或是因为我没讲？还是他没发觉到？但是我要讲的是，可能他已经听到我跟我妈讲了，但我不是以前的我，不会乱告诉人家。所以除了我妈之外，也只有另一个人知道。

在宿舍真的要懂得掩饰自己的感情。不能在其他人面前哭，也有很多东西不能很容易的说出口。那还要继续住吗？可能是神给我的一个训练，不能这么依靠我妈了。真的要长大了。真的很不想长大。为什么？我也不知道。可能在情感方面就常只依靠她。这下我真的哭了。该睡觉了。要脱离脱离脱离！不然明天一定有人问。

应该没人会看吧。看了请tag。至少我知道还有人在读。谢谢！

i know i haven't blogged for ages coz mainly of the use of twitter. but there are some things that really cant be expressed in 140 characters.

school has started and work's beginning to pile even before i manage to settle down in school. not because i'm still in the play mood but because there's really too much changes to uni life. lessons are often unpredictable, i have to do almost 9 readings a week, no more numbers and calculations to look at, few familiar faces, wierd accents, wierd hall people, the clubbing and staying till late culture and the list goes on.

piano exam was on friday which was totally screwed. and everytime ppl ask me how is it i try to smile and say 'it's ok, i still have nx yr!' maybe tt's nature, tt's me. not liking ppl to worry about me, not liking to hear ppl say 'dont cry lah, confirm pass one!'

so after piano exam, i thought i would be able to finally settle down in school and feel less of a burden, there's individual presentation coming tues which i have nothing to write/talk abt till now. it's so stressful to be the first to present, not knowing what to say, what the reading is about, whether the projector works, how to present. all i can to is walk by faith, have confidence in God. i always try to tell myself 'don't worry! it's only 5%!' but the thought tt it's counted in final term just freaks me out.

many uncertainties still lies ahead, and i always ask God 'why not you just send me to china, spread the gospel, do sth more meaningful than reading stuff tt i dont understand, not particularly interested in?' i gotta say i still dont have any answers, i have no idea what i'm doing now, in the future. i always have this thought of changing my course, going back HK to at least do sth i'm interested in.

i wish that i can go on stage again, not because of the recognition and applause and praises and flowers i get, but because tt's what i enjoy most and tt's my dream. everytime i see joey yung, i'll always hope tt i was able to do all those. and how i can share my testimony, definitely including songs like I CAN TRUST YOU and dai ling wo. one day i'll have my own album, choreo my own dance for my song, particularly contemp where most youths aren't liking anymore. and then i can use this to go into china, base there, and spend the rest of my life serving God in china. but i know some dreams will nvr come true. and i have better things to do.

writing all these down made me feel much better. alone in the hostel room, i thought i'll cry like mad, thinking of what to do for the presentation, cracking my brains not coming out with anything, and lastly i'll end up watching video and playing games. now i'm in a calm state to focus on my presentation. pray tt i'll really come out with something.

now, there's still a use in blogging. i dont know when i'll be back here again, or anyone will read this since this blog is dead for ages and this is such a long post. but i still love you, blog!