when you know that people have high expectations of you, you really don't want to let them down. but it has come to this point where everytime i'm told that i underperform, i really can't take it anymore. i really want to give up. i don't know how long i can last. today was really not a good day. after getting my test which i did horribly, he rubbed in the fact that i'm underperforming. i was trying really hard to hold back my tears, under all this stress. maybe i shouldn't have done so well last year. so i went toilet and cried, not wanting to let people worry. but obviously some realised but thank God they didn't ask much.

i always thought i have already overcome the high expectations of people, and not study to meet those expectations, but to glorify God. but it's getting so difficult. why is it that when we have this amazing chance to study, we can't appreciate it? it's slightly more than 2 months to the start of the end, and slightly less than 3 months to the very end. i really need prayers, and i realised how powerful prayer is today. i was relunctant to turn to God at first, buti realise He is my only refuge. then read Psalm 143 that Jia En sent. really thank God for such a caring DM.

hope tomorrow will be a better day, with more joy and less sorrows. and i really hope that for the next of the race, no onewill ever tell me that i underperform, coz i know clearly when i'm performing to my standards and when i'm not. don't increase the stress level in me.

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2Corinthians 1:9

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10

i felt emo on the bus today. i just wanted to cry at that time, but i dont know why and tears coulcn't come down. maybe i wasn't really relying on God this whole week. there is so much more time to reflect on my day now that time is mostly spent on studying. but i always give studying as an excuse for not talking to God.

visiting uncle lian qing at CGH reminded myself when i was there lying on the bed 2 years back. suddenly, a scared feelingcame to me. i'm always haunted by thoughts like what if i get hospitalised again during 'A's? and during every exam i have, the same htought pops into my mind. the fear hasn't gone. it really took me some courage to walk from A&E to the ward. i guess i really need to pray.

it hasn't been a good week. not a very God-centred week. maybe that explains my emo-ness. i'm glad i dint pon sch on tues, though i really had the intention to. and also tomorrow. it's difficult to fight with my old self, but well, Godly sorrow leaves to no regrets! so i'm gonna persevere! go wanny!