btw, all the best to those taking PSLE tml!

"For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:32-34

i guess God really wants me to stop worrying. results haven't been good and i have never felt so demoralised in my life before. and once again i was told that i underperform, but hello, cant you see i have improvements in ALL my subjects? you think i'm very happy with my results.i go everywhere trying to comfort ppl for their results. so? what about me? always telling ppl that i'm alright since there's improvement...so? well, if my chem get E in 'A's i'll have improvement! what so happy about that?

i dont know when i'll really not be able to take it. but i hope that day never come. i really pray that i'll really trust in theLORD and let all the negative things get out of the way so i really can concentrate. i really want a break.

please pray for me.

ps. HK trip was a great relaxer.

pss. my bday let me see the more impt things, not presents.

when you know that people have high expectations of you, you really don't want to let them down. but it has come to this point where everytime i'm told that i underperform, i really can't take it anymore. i really want to give up. i don't know how long i can last. today was really not a good day. after getting my test which i did horribly, he rubbed in the fact that i'm underperforming. i was trying really hard to hold back my tears, under all this stress. maybe i shouldn't have done so well last year. so i went toilet and cried, not wanting to let people worry. but obviously some realised but thank God they didn't ask much.

i always thought i have already overcome the high expectations of people, and not study to meet those expectations, but to glorify God. but it's getting so difficult. why is it that when we have this amazing chance to study, we can't appreciate it? it's slightly more than 2 months to the start of the end, and slightly less than 3 months to the very end. i really need prayers, and i realised how powerful prayer is today. i was relunctant to turn to God at first, buti realise He is my only refuge. then read Psalm 143 that Jia En sent. really thank God for such a caring DM.

hope tomorrow will be a better day, with more joy and less sorrows. and i really hope that for the next of the race, no onewill ever tell me that i underperform, coz i know clearly when i'm performing to my standards and when i'm not. don't increase the stress level in me.

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2Corinthians 1:9

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10

i felt emo on the bus today. i just wanted to cry at that time, but i dont know why and tears coulcn't come down. maybe i wasn't really relying on God this whole week. there is so much more time to reflect on my day now that time is mostly spent on studying. but i always give studying as an excuse for not talking to God.

visiting uncle lian qing at CGH reminded myself when i was there lying on the bed 2 years back. suddenly, a scared feelingcame to me. i'm always haunted by thoughts like what if i get hospitalised again during 'A's? and during every exam i have, the same htought pops into my mind. the fear hasn't gone. it really took me some courage to walk from A&E to the ward. i guess i really need to pray.

it hasn't been a good week. not a very God-centred week. maybe that explains my emo-ness. i'm glad i dint pon sch on tues, though i really had the intention to. and also tomorrow. it's difficult to fight with my old self, but well, Godly sorrow leaves to no regrets! so i'm gonna persevere! go wanny!

Rebecca St. James - I Can Trust You

Yes, I know that You have paved a path for me
Yes, I know that You see what I do and don’t need
But when it comes to the deepest things
I have a hard time relinquishing control
Letting go

God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down
But when I let go, freedom’s found
God, it hurts to give You what I’ve held so dear
Because of Your love it’s clear
I can trust You with this
I can trust You with me
I can trust You

Lord, I know that You are worthy of my trust
For You have shown me time and time again
You’re faithful and yet
I’m so scared of letting go of this
Afraid of what You might do with it
How could I forget who You are like this

Me forsaking
Heart is breaking
I let go of what I’ve held so tight
Freedom’s mine now
For the taking
I move in faith, not by sight
Let Your will be done

it really hurts. sometimes, i am just not willing to let go.there's still this part of me that is wanting to go back to the world. it's not just about dance enymore. i'm just not willing to letgo of my old self. but as what the song says, it's only when you let go, there's when you find freedom. but why am i being so stubborn not willing to let go, thinking that i'll get more freedom? Lord, help me to see the spiritual light. Help me to get rid of the most dancerous enemy - the darkness that causes the world to look so much more attractive.

on another note, i think ms lai rocks. her speech was like so inspirational. Dan Jansen. that was her story. she's like the best principal ever. and when she starts talking, no one dares to talk. she has the respect from like the whole school. and yet she's still so nice.after her speech, i was so inspired to become a principal like her. she just rock lah.

Rebecca St. James & Barlow Girls - forgive me

For all the times I’ve failed You, Lord

Forgive me

For all the ways I’ve fallen shortLord,

forgive me now

God, I’m so in need of grace

I fall upon my faceForgive me
You see the tears fall down my face

Forgive me

Take my fear, Lord, take my shame

Lord, forgive me now

Purify me, make me new

Like only You can do

Forgive me now
Lord, we come to honor You

We are forgiven

We bring our love and thanks to You

We are forgiven now
God we praise You for Your grace

Before You we are raised

Forgiven

God we praise You for Your grace

Before You we are raised

Forgiven

Forgiven

well, i'm officially stopping dance. i don't know when i'm gonna ever go for a proper dance practice again, but i know, i'm gonna stop for now. until the melbourne trip comes along. it's sad, but well, as what the alumni said (amazingly i was listening), when the time comes, you have to let go. as much as any other dancers want to perform, i want to perform too. but i know i'll not regret my decision, coz it's a decision a made. dance has become a large part of my life, startin from SYF, national day, Open House and our biggest event ever, ELYSIUM. not forgetting cheerleading 2007, ACES day, interhouse mass dance and cheerleading 2008. i cant imagine how my life would be without dance. but i guess, i really have to let go. dance had made me drift away from people, studies and most importantly, GOD.

to all my dancers: we are a team. and i really don't wanna see ANYONE get their results next year and start dropping sad tears, and that includes me. even though we aren't gonna dance together until Melbourne trip comes, we still can meet up and give each other moral support and study together! and i know our teachers wouldn't wanna see us like that too. it's amazing when people see 2 dancers walking together and always ask 'today got dance arh'. i have no idea why i wrote that. anyway, i guess we had enough fun already (even though trainings aren't always that fun), it's time we really sit down and settle ourselves for thise 4-month studey spree.we can have fun after that! it's just 4-months. if we could live without dance fro the past 16 years, i guess we can do it for at least 4 months. gambatte people!

to michelle: thanks so much for talking things out with us. it made me see things in a different way. this one half years is just amazing. frankly speaking, i didn't really like you in the beginning coz i think that someone is threatening my place as the dance president, but well, in the end both of us still have a position, but in 2 totally different ways. i guess our friendship really got deeper durin LTC. still rmb your SK II mask, only trying to scare people. and the time after dragon boating. thanks for working so hard for dance, having always to listen to both sides of stories. i guess you're really the one that knows the teachers the best. especially your imitations! anyway, study hard and we are so gonna study together and you'll listen to your classical music which is so super nice!!!

to joslyn: i'm sorry for the decision we've made. but i really can't see my dancers' results continue going down the drain. as much as you wanna perform, i wanna perform too. but really, at some point of time, there are some things that have to let go. priorities are very important. nevermind if you put dance before studies. but not when you put dance before God. i'm not gonna say much about it, coz i really don't know how strong your faith is in God. anyway, i really hope you wouldn't neglect your studies and really still work hard for 'A's. no matter how much you don't feel like performing with us anymore, we're still a team and we still want to see you smile when you get your results. and that includes ms sue and ms sim.

anyway, read wh's blog and the first line reminded me of something that i blogged before long time ago. i'm gonna change it a bit to fit in to what i've been typiiing for the past half hour.
Am i a christian who happen to be a dancer, or a dancer who happen to be a christian?
i especially write this to joslyn. really hope you think through some things from what i say. you can always come to me. i pray that i will always be the former. priorities!!!